李歡

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
男人就兩種狀態︰餓和性飢渴。 要是他不硬(性飢渴)，就給他個三明治(餓)!

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
a. 女人的高潮可能是裝出來的，但是男人TMD(它媽的)可以整段感情都是裝出來的!
b. 女人假裝高潮以獲取真實的感情，男人假裝感情以獲取真實的高潮。

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
海豚可聰明了你知道不?只要馴養幾個星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們扔魚吃了。
動物比人聰明多了，什麼事不用做只要乖乖的跟在人類身邊，它們就能讓人類乖乖幫它送上食物外加清理大小便。

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和紙尿布有一個共同點就是︰他們都很有規律地被替換，而且因為同一個理由──髒了!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
見個姐姐，胸前衣服上寫著“Guess”，俺就問了一句︰“隆過?”

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
你要是覺得沒人在乎你的死活，那你不妨嘗試一下跟你的債主玩躲貓貓

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
開始我直接求上帝賜輛單車，後來我想了想上帝肯定是不依的，於是老子偷了一輛然後求上帝寬恕。

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢中死去，而不是要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
公車站呀公車停，火車站呀火車停，俺桌上有個工作站。

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永遠不能戰勝一個純SB，因為他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水準，然後用豐富的經驗打敗你。
不怕虎一樣的敵人，只怕豬一樣的隊友。

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
直譯︰在這個世界上，我最不願意做的事就是傷害你，但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。
意譯a︰我真不想傷害你，但你也別逼我。
意譯b︰吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
如覺嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操錯洞。

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鳥有蟲蟲!晚到的老鼠有起司!
b. 早起的鳥兒有蟲吃，早起的蟲兒被鳥吃。

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
在咱們這，送批薩的都比警察來的快。

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
XXOO就像打橋牌。如果對手不好使，自己的手必須好使。

War does not determine who is rightonly who is left.
戰爭不能決出正義，但能判出哪方出局。

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我們永遠不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學會在眾人面前裝逼。

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你為什麼好不了。

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
老子拼死拼活奮鬥到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個素食者。

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

孩子就是︰你先花2年，教他們走路和說話。然後你再花16年教他們坐下和閉嘴。

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
銀行就是當你證明了你不需要錢的時候可以借錢給你的地方。

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
你有什麼不開心的?說出來給大家開心開心。

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 自從那次在人妖身邊醒來，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼鏡……”
b. 意識清醒了，意味著不堪回首了。

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所謂的好姑娘，咳!就是還沒被群眾抓到的JP女。
b. 想立牌坊就得會裝。

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到，以禿頂和啤酒肚在大街上晃，還覺得自己倍兒性感──此時估計男女能平等。

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨頭──在黑房間裡找準家具位置的好裝備。

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一來大家就開心了;有些人一走大家就開心了。

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直譯︰你若是擠滿人的電梯裡的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味兒。
意譯︰靈感來自於所站的角度與眾不同。

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍愛SB，不然他造這麼多!

小明上英文課時跟老師說︰May I go to the toilet?
老師說︰Go ahead.

小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說︰May I go to the toilet?
老師說︰Go ahead.

小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問︰你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎?怎麼不去?小明說︰你沒聽老師說"去你個頭,啊!"